WATCH ME USE ALWAYS THE SAME TSURUNE SCENES PLS The past 3 days have been probably the hardest days ever in my life since forever? I won't ever compare this situation to when I was in my depressive state but I seriously went through a storm here and jesus christ, how much I wanted to run away those past 3 days, I don't feel like editing much anymore but I needed this shitty ugly vent to get over the frustration. I am doing alright, I am taking class, going to therapy and trying to improve myself, so it's not like I gave up to this feeling :D still this feeling of something gone hasn't left me yet, even though 4 months passed already, you know?
I was able to go through those 3 days and many many many many others are to come. I wonder when that awful feeling in my stomach will stop, I wonder when I'll stop having panic attacks every time I see her, I wonder when I'll stop thinking about this and cry. I wonder when I'll be able to smile back at this like a precious memory only. Until then, I promise I won't give up. Because after all, I am worth it and I deserve much more.
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I know very well that it's pointless to dwell on our memories.
I was wrong to drag this relationship for so long.
I was wrong to not speak up, to not tell you you were lying, to not tell you you were wrong. But hey? What could I do?
I wanted to believe those words, but I wonder: Was I supposed to be the strong one? Even though I was the one in a weak position, was I? Cause, after all, I expected that.
You are still shining.
You're so bright, it hurts.
I want to see your back again.
I want to smile next to you again.
I want to simply hear you call my name again.
All those little moments, you teasing me, asking me to clean your glasses, your freaking smoking habits, your random pictures, how could I even stop myself from dragging this? I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to leave that place. I know I picked that side on purpose, just to not let you go, I know I hurt both of us, and mostly myself, yet I would do it all again. Again and again and again.
Please, please, please.
Take care.
Please, stop thinking you are worthless.
Please, be safe.
Please, be healthy.
Please, find someone who loves you as much as I do.
But more than anything, be happy.
You deserve it.
Even though the things ended up so awfully and now we are acting as we never met.
Even though we've said so many hurtful things, blamed each other, calling each other names.
Even though you hate me now, even though you blamed me when you were wrong too.
Even though you could be abusive&toxic at times, even though you treated me like shit.
Even though sometimes I hate you so much,
I know you are a good person,
I know you meant well,
I know what a beautiful human being there is underneath,
please never let anyone stop you from growing.
I wish I could have listed all those other things except your smile,
but I know you didn't want to listen to them.
it's just...I am willing to let go now. I am letting you go so that both of us can be free.
I didn't want this to end. I didn't want this to disappear. I didn't want to leave that smile.
But it had to make it happen and that's okay and it hurts to not even be able to say good morning but maybe one day we will.
Thank you for the most beautiful three years of my life. You are still everything to me.
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